While door knock appeals are typically recognised as charity drives undertaken by the Salvation Army, there is the lesser-known, but actually more popular, Muslim version. If you’re a single Muslim woman, it’s likely you’re receiving these visits from interested suitors, or if you’re very lucky, his mum and sister.

Satirical Muslim offers some advice in assessing prospects.

Imports

There are some golden rules to be observed when a door knock appeal is being undertaken by an import, particularly if he is a FOB (fresh off the boat). His connections cannot be dubious, he has to have a valid visa (don’t fall for the student visa line – they’re easily revoked), and genuine career prospects.

Should he enter your home wearing a leather jacket circa 1983, a moustache circa anytime and shoes that have tassels, run. Do not stop to serve coffee.

Home-grown

The prospect looks good on paper because he was born in the same country as you. How different can he be? You’ll totally “get” each other. But this is no time for complacency.

The mark may initiate general conversation with you. Take note of accent, inflection and vocabulary. If the words “cop it”, “omagawd” or “sick” pass his lips, and his voice raises a few pitches at the end of each sentence, it may be better not to prolong the evening. Quietly excuse yourself and retire to your bedroom to watch The West Wing.

What to serve

Begin with cold beverages. These are always popular and don’t scream desperation. Casual, chic. You own the room.

If things are going well (and if the mother likes you, things are going well), move on to a light snack. This will most likely be something simple such as mixed nuts (make sure no one’s allergic). Some fruit could also be offered. Anything more and your message of basic interest is translated into raging affection. This is bad. And HARAM.

Finish off the evening with tea, coffee and something sweet. This is a good way to engage in more conversation by asking how he likes his tea or coffee and gauge the sweet tooth factor. If you made the tea and coffee yourself, make sure this is made clear to the mark and his mother. Unless it tastes like crap.

Do not spill the coffee or tea. You are not a cute, Bridget Jones-type of character who will endear the mark and his family with such negligence.

How to behave

It’s extremely important that you do not exhibit an abundance of personality in the first meeting. The word feminism should also be vigorously avoided. Adding “Islamic” to it doesn’t help. This is no time for gender issues.

Smiles are acceptable if they are directed to no one in particular. Do not laugh out loud; a slight giggle will suffice if someone says something funny.

Lower your gaze, except when you’re serving the drinks. (See above with respect to the perils of spilling).

It’s a bad idea to ask too many questions, especially when they’re not directed to the mark himself. This makes it seem like you care about what kind of family you would be marrying into. This is about him, not you.

Permissible conversation starters

Choose safe topics.

If you’re going to mention politics, make sure it’s not controversial, particularly if the visitors originate from another country, province, village or street. Palestine is always a good choice.

Find a way to sell your culinary skills in conversation. Perhaps begin with, “The other day, after I vacuumed and did the washing, I made [insert national dish].” Note, make sure you choose a dish that matters to them culturally. If they’re Lebanese, advocate harissa; Egyptian, basboosa; Jordanian, mansaf; and so on and so forth.

Making the grade

If the mark likes you, or his mum tells him he does, your parents will receive a phone call the very next day.

Any later than this and you have the right to be slightly suspicious as to his motives. Delays due to unforeseen circumstances are understandable and forgivable, except with potential visa-snatchers who shouldn’t be so fussy.

If the call doesn’t come, do not despair. Consider that perhaps there’s more electricity in a burnt out lightbulb than what you shared over mixed nuts. You didn’t like him anyway.