An Australian Muslim men’s organisation has voiced concern about the market being flooded with cheap foreign imports.

“Just as many children have been harmed by cheap Chinese toys which fail to meet Australian hygiene or safety standards, so we are very concerned about the presence of poorly made and substandard imported males that pose similar risks,” a spokesman said. “Unfortunately, we’ve already had some casualties whereby unsuspecting parents have exposed their children to dangerous imports, often picked up at the mosque or a service station.”

In order to inform people about the threat posed by these imports who are flooding the Australian market, the group has produced a series of pamphlets and a helpful wallchart describing the warning signs of an import.

“Employment in a convenience store is a major warning sign,” the chart reads. “If you notice an exceptional familiarity with the social security and tax system yet a disturbing lack of English or understanding of broader cultural features then this warrants further investigation.”

Choice Magazine is publishing a special feature in its February issue on detecting cheap imports. “Although they are often very good imitations, consumers should be aware that they will usually fall apart after a short period of time,” warns the article. “We’ve conducted a series of tests on both locally produced originals and the cheap foreign imports and in 99% of cases, the imports are unsafe, likely to explode, or collapse under pressure.”

Just as Angelina Jolie has an interest in orphans, many imports see converts and orphans are the best value for money.
“Unfortunately, fathers often have the best interests of their daughter at heart. But let’s face it, if I wanted to pay Arab prices, I’d have stayed in an Arab country,” said one import. “Nobody said citizenship was meant to be cheap but demanding that we have jobs? You have to wonder if there isn’t a little bit of racism behind all this.”

In a desperate bid to protect their daughters, many Muslim parents are resorting to drastic measures; stripping their daughters of their Australian citizenship and demanding they take on the nationality of one or more third world countries in order to dissuade imports from approaching them. The CSIRO has found that the absence of an Australian residency or citizenship is a powerful natural deterrent for imports.

“I remember the first time I encountered an import,” one Muslim woman told Satirical Muslim on the condition of anonymity. “They can smell citizenship like dogs can smell fear. I just stayed still as he circled me sniffing the air, hoping he would go away whilst telling myself over and over again, ‘look foreign, look foreign’.”

Imports are defensive and say they are doing women and the Australian taxpayer a favour. “I didn’t travel on a plane for 14 hours so that I have to wait in line for permanent residency,” one import said. “I paid my dues with that long flight and the 30 minute stopover in sweaty Singapore and I think Australia owes me something in return, don’t you?”

“We flew here but you just grew here,” he scoffed.