Khalid “Shaggy” Sheikh, the al-Qaida operative made famous for his flamboyant dress sense and penchant for off-white cotton undergarments, confessed this week to masterminding the September 11 attacks, Bali and personally carrying out the murder of Daniel Pearl. He also shocked media and courtroom officials when he admitted being the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s child.

“Anna Nicole and I met when I was planning the Columbia Space Disaster,” the terrorist told the court. “I was on the run from authorities who wanted me for the JFK assassination, and I bumped into Anna when I was training the Washington sniper in my Florida apartment.”

Khalid confessed to a long list of crimes which he said were part of al-Qaida’s war against the West.

“I am the real killer of John Lennon and I planned the explosion of the Hindenberg. I also confess to having dressed as an iceberg to sink the Titanic. I also confess to having travelled to Africa in the 1980s with three canisters of the AIDS virus which we had developed in a laboratory in Pakistan and infected the monkeys who were later to spread the disease to man.”

“I also confess to being Jack the Ripper. Yes, I murdered those women. I am William Shakespear. Hitler was an al-Qaeda operative and he was acting under my direct instruction. I told him to gas the jews and I ordered him to bomb England. And, OJ is innocent. I murdered Mrs OJ. I killed Tupac. I was giving James Dean directions in his car before he died.”

After several hours, courtroom officials asked Mr Sheikh to finalise his address to the court.

“I confess to sabotaging the world’s factories and heavy industry so as to increase the CO2 emissions and bring the world closer to destruction. I was the voice that spoke to the Son of Sam killer via the dogs. I drove Princess Diana off the road in the French tunnel. The Japanese who hunts whales are operating under my command. And it was I who supplied the comfort women to the Japanese in World War II. I was John Wayne Gacy’s wardrobe manager. I confess to providing Jeffrey Dahmer with the recipes.”

“I admit to economic terrorism against the island state of Nauru. I ordered Ronald Reagan to be shot. I ordered the Pope to be shot. I destroyed Maccaulay Culkin’s career. I shot Archduke Ferdinand. I kidnapped Glenn Miller and held him in a house in Pakistan all these years. I confess to training Pol Pot and giving him the mission to kill the teachers and intellectuals in Cambodia. I wrote Police Academy 6. I burned the Great Library of Alexandria because al-Qaida doesn’t like books.”

“Anything else?”, asked one of the prosecutors.

“Yes, I was Grace Kelly’s driving instructor.”

When prosecutors asked if he was also responsible for writing Gigli, he became enraged.

“What sort of sick person do you think I am?” he howled.