Modelled on the popular Donald Trump franchise The Apprentice, Australian Muslims have launched an exciting new television show called The Apologist.

Contestants will be presented with a series of embarrassing incidents, gaffes and problems and required to spin, apologise or otherwise explain the events to an audience of non-Muslim journalists, politicians and members of the general public. The winner, selected by a panel of Muslim leaders, will be given the opportunity to work, for one year unpaid, as the media representative for a number of Muslim community organisations.

In the first episode, to screen next month, contestants will attempt to explain a number of recent incidents that have gripped the Australian Muslim community in recent months.

“If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it … whose fault is it, the cats’ or the uncovered meat?”, reads one challenge to the contestants. “The uncovered meat is the problem. If she was in her room, in her home, in her hijab, no problem would have occurred.”

“Arabic is a flowery language,” said Abdul, a contestant from Sydney’s South West. “When the Arabs say ‘uncovered meat’ it can have over 2,000 different meanings. ‘Lahm’, the word used here for meat, is often a term of affection so we shouldn’t immediately think the worst. As the poet Rumi said, we’ll meat again, don’t know where and I don’t don’t when.”

Other contestants take different approaches to the challenge. “The real issue here isn’t what he said but how did the media find out about it,” booms Hamza, an unemployed shoe salesman from South West Sydney.

“People have a right to be upset but why be upset at the sheikh? Be upset at the one who recorded it. If he didn’t record it, nobody would be upset. Be angry at the man who sold him the tape recorder too. Why people want to blame the sheikh but they don’t want to blame Sony or Panasonic? That’s double-standards, mate.”

Another challenge requires contestants to explain a scenario in which a religious figure appears in Tehran on the day the Iranian government announces its nuclear enrichment program and calls on Muslims to “stand in the trenches” with the Iranian regime.

“Again, we need to understand what the word ‘trench’ means to an Arab. Khandaq, the word for trench, is derived from salam and it actually means peace. It means to stand together in peace,” offers Abdul. “We also need to question what the imam was doing there anyway. We know the Iranians recently kidnapped some British sailors so we need to consider the very real possibility that he was kidnapped too.”

Steve (Mustafa), a lawyer from Sydney’s South West, took a different approach. When faced with the challenge of explaining the situation, he presented a series of grainy photos of men in turbans rescuing kittens from trees. “Look!” he shouted. “Imams rescuing cats!”