Australian Guantanamo detainee David Hicks arrived in Adelaide today. As part of the escalation of his punishment for being an enemy combatant, Hicks has been sentenced to serve out the rest of his life as a resident of Adelaide.

David Hicks, who has been detained in solitary confinement in the US gulag in Cuba, reacted with distress when advised that he was to be transferred to the City of Churches. In a last minute plea, Hicks said, via his lawyer, that he would plead guilty to “anything you bloody well want” if they would only continue to hold and torture him in Cuba.

Arriving on the Adelaide-Crafers Highway, Hicks tearfully remarked that the choice of the Seven Suppositories at the Glen Osmond junction as the icon for welcoming visitors was the ideal metaphor.

Adelaide Mayoress Shirlee Pumpernickle said that she spoke on behalf of all Adelaidians when she said that she was proud that Hicks had done something useful with his life and seen the outside world.

“This knowledge will be a great resource for us, as most of us don’t know what lies beyond Mount Lofty“.

She said that she was looking forward to “David regaling us with tales of dragons, and bearded two headed women”.

“Although it’s not official yet, we are planning a state dinner at the McDonalds on Hindley street“.

The city itself has been steadily preparing for Hicks’ return, orange jumpsuits (and matching ugg boots) have sold out in Rundell Mall retailers. Long term Adelaide watchers have seen nothing like it. “This is the biggest cultural force to hit Adelaide, since we stopped shooting Aborigines in Victoria Square,” one said.

Matrons in Adelaide society said that there was a buzz of excitement amongst the debutantes of the season at the expectation of a young bachelor (of reproductive age) returning to the city.

“He is a convicted criminal. It’s not every day that a girl gets a man with that sort of status in the community. He will be quite a catch for the lucky gal.”

To prepare him for the anticipated psychic pain of the relocation, authorities have allowed Hicks to spend time in the Yatla prison, before being released into the community.