So you always knew you’d never be the next Brad or Angie, but you’ve always known you’re special and all you needed was the right audience to appreciate your exquisite skill as a speaker and deep thinker. Now is the perfect time to milk the public hysteria.

So are you finding yourself a frequent member of panels or audiences of TV forums? Are you the sound bite guy standing in front of the local mosque on the evening news? This is your time to shine. Satirical Muslim offers its guide to making the most of your media gigs.

1. Buy a good dictionary

Sure, you know your community like the back of your best friend Abdul’s hand, but this isn’t the small time. This is the Big Time! You might end up on 60 Minutes, or if you’re really lucky, Kerri-Anne.

Besides your disarming charm and modest but arresting good looks, you’ll require some fancy vocabulary. Find some really long words that are hard to pronounce. Don’t worry about whether their meanings correspond with your point. No one watching will know the word but they’ll marvel that you do as you effortlessly sprinkle big words throughout your responses. Start with ‘mendacious’.

2. Look spiffy

Make sure you challenge the stereotype. Don’t wear Nike. Wear Adidas or Aasics. They’ll be blown away by the diversity on display. It’s important to show that Muslims make up a diverse community and cannot be defined by simply one fashion label.

In fact, try and talk about your fashion sense if an opportunity presents itself, demonstrating that you’re in tune with Western values. This will lead neatly into a discussion on women and hijab. Even if you’re a man, make sure you find a way to mention this. No media gig is complete without a reference to women and hijab.

3. Le tigre

Practise your facial expressions. This is very important. To prepare, watch Zoolander and study the variety of looks Ben Stiller employs. When you watch the recording back later and see that the camera has zoomed in on you looking thoughtful and serious, you’ll be seriously glad you took the time.

4. Your responses

When asked a question directly, pause a moment, softly chuckle to yourself knowingly, straighten up and answer without further hesitation. See point 1. You might like to throw in some sweeping hand gestures.

Employ definitive and firm phrases: “In reality”, “Realistically speaking”, “In a nutshell”, “Ipso facto”, “When you look at the situation with your eyes open”, etc.

Note also that repetition is the highest form of proof. When in doubt, repeat, repeat, repeat.

5. Be self-assured

At some point, make it clear these media gigs are beneath you. For example, “This is exactly why I usually won’t participate in these forums. I only did this time because I was asked so many times”, and so on and so forth. This demonstrates confidence and reaffirms that you are an Important Person.

6. Be well-read

Or at least appear to be well-read. A quote from Chomsky, Pilger or Fisk is the mother of all proof. If the first quote or reference doesn’t satisfy the interviewer, throw in another one for good measure. If that doesn’t help, talk about the absence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. See point 7 below.

7. Go international

So what if this is about local issues? You’re Muslim and therefore bound to mention all the world’s troubled hot spots. Palestine, Iraq and Iran never get old. This is, for example, your chance to explain why there are People of Middle Eastern Appearance involved in thuggery. It’s because of Palestine and Iraq. You’re not a victim though. You’re just politically astute and sensitive.

8. Zionism

Following on from your discussion of Palestine, insert a reference to Jews and/or Zionism. There is no point that can’t be strengthened by reference to Jews and/or Zionism. Just look at President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In fact, study him and emulate. You can’t place a finite value on such mastery.

9. Find an agent

You might not be paid for some of your appearances, but get on TV enough and you’ll become the archetypal Muslim. Books, documentaries and speaking tours are sure to follow. You’ll need some guidance along the way. Fame can be scary and really change a person.

So, are you ready?