So you’ve landed yourself a prime movie script. It screams star headliners, it promises lots of action, and it’s contemporary: Muslims are a key element.

There are some vital things all film-makers should know when approaching such a juicy topic as Muslims and the War Against Terror though. In the wrong hands, it could end up clichéd, hammy and a box-office bomb. Of course, the only bombs you want going off are those in your movie, so pay close attention as Satirical Muslim offers a brief rundown of some essentials when making films about or involving Muslims.

Opening credits

There’s nothing more creative than beginning your film with a shot of a mosque against a pale orange sky. The Muslim call to prayer (adhan) must accompany this shot. It’s haunting, and totally sets the mood for the rest of your film. The viewer just knows some American bad asses will be kickin’ some Bin Laden butt. This opening shot will also be perfect for the opening shot of your trailer.

Plot

Don’t worry if the plot is wafer thin, or in fact completely M.I.A. Just look at the Mission: Impossible series. Who cares if the viewer doesn’t know what’s going on? The audience wants action, romance and, most importantly, justice for the freedom-loving, victimised West.

However, some things are not negotiable, so be sure to include the following fundamental elements:

• Lots of complicated language generously littered with incomprehensible American Agency (CIA, FBI, etc) jargon
• Arabs who look and sound Indian
• An American President who is wise, loves his wife, and cares about collateral damage (also a potential name for your movie)
• A US army commander who chews tobaccy and swears a lot
• Muslim Bad Guys
• Veiled women
• Oppressed women
• Oppressed veiled women
• American Agents; this is important. You need at least one American Agent who is male and one who is female. She’ll have to veil when in Arab territory (this will make her look exotic because she’ll be wearing something that appears to have come out of 1001 Arabian Nights. American Agent Man will pretend he doesn’t notice how hot she is and offer lame quips. A lot). Importantly, these American Agents will follow their own rule books if ya know what we mean.

Characterisation

We know. That sounds tricky and layered. You’re not even sure what it is. True, characterisation is where a lot of movies, particularly ones about Muslims, fall down. So we recommend dispensing with this aspect almost entirely and embracing wooden characters. This is where you might allow some cliché in - but in a cool way.

Action sequences

Car chases through the desert sands, American Agent Man knocking over an oppressed veiled woman’s shopping basket as he pursues a Muslim Bad Guy, gun fights, stuff being blown up. Chills down the viewer’s spine. Now imagine all of that with a haunting soundtrack featuring a woman chanting meaningless Arabic-sounding words with occasional drum accompaniment. Are we right or are we right?

Torture

Don’t feel bad about including scenes of torture. Everyone knows it happens! Hell, the US Government practically legalised it. One word: rendition. That’s all we’re gonna say. Just make sure you include some torture in your movie. You want it to be believable in at least some aspects after all.

Romance

Notwithstanding our above notes on characterisation, it’s still a good idea to add some dimension to your characters, especially the bad guys. The Hollywood stars can get past on looks alone. But the baddies need some redeeming moments. Such moments will confound the viewer momentarily — only until you make them hate the baddies again.

But, for example, a Muslim Bad Guy could share a quiet moment with his veiled oppressed wife before he goes off to unleash jihad on the infidel American Agents and subsequently die at their hands.

American Agent Man should also have a romantic interest in his female partner (who must veil), who he so totally didn’t want to be working with initially. Love-hate relationships will never get boring.

Once again, don’t be afraid to experiment here and add some layers (just don’t get too excited). Have the American Agents exchange humanising stories, and give them opportunities to balk and laugh at the Muslims who are totally backward. Allow them to display a level of pity (for example, when walking through the marketplace and seeing veiled women).

Name

The name of your film is uber critical. Go wrong on that front and you’ll have a flop on your hands. Follow the well-trodden route of the sensationalist book. Really, some words never get tired: Veiled, Hidden, Desert, Arabian, Infidel, Terrorist. Note: putting in a colon has serious impact. For example, Terror: Hidden Desert. Keeping it short and sweet can also work wonders: The Attack; The Terrorist; The Infidel; The Agent.

Ending

By the conclusion of your film, your characters will have come to their journey’s end (and for the Muslim Bad Guys, it’s a bloody one that may or may not involve redemption). Something to note is that while the American Agents realise they can blow up stuff better than the Arabs, they don’t share the same willingness to die.

But, of course they must triumph. American Agent Man should perhaps be slightly injured. This can lead to a moment with the camera panning out, where we see him being aided by American Agent Woman (who rips off her veil in a very Scarlett O’Hara moment (it’s symbolic)). Together, following some dry, self-effacing humour, they walk towards an army truck flying the American flag. At this point you move from the haunting music to a kick-ass hip-hop track that screams “In your face, Al-Qaeda!”

Roll credits.

Get your tux ready.