The film-maker’s guide to Muslims in the movies
So
you’ve landed yourself a prime movie script. It screams star
headliners, it promises lots of action, and it’s contemporary: Muslims
are a key element.
There are some vital things all film-makers should know when approaching such a juicy topic as Muslims and the War Against Terror though. In the wrong hands, it could end up clichéd, hammy and a box-office bomb. Of course, the only bombs you want going off are those in your movie, so pay close attention as Satirical Muslim offers a brief rundown of some essentials when making films about or involving Muslims.
Opening credits
There’s nothing more creative than beginning your film with a shot of a
mosque against a pale orange sky. The Muslim call to prayer (adhan)
must accompany this shot. It’s haunting, and totally sets the mood for
the rest of your film. The viewer just knows some American bad asses
will be kickin’ some Bin Laden butt. This opening shot will also be
perfect for the opening shot of your trailer.
The Muslim leader’s guide to media gigs
So
you always knew you’d never be the next Brad or Angie, but you’ve
always known you’re special and all you needed was the right audience
to appreciate your exquisite skill as a speaker and deep thinker. Now
is the perfect time to milk the public hysteria.
So are you finding yourself a frequent member of panels or audiences of TV forums? Are you the sound bite guy standing in front of the local mosque on the evening news? This is your time to shine. Satirical Muslim offers its guide to making the most of your media gigs.
1. Buy a good dictionary
Sure, you know your community like the back of your best friend Abdul’s
hand, but this isn’t the small time. This is the Big Time! You might
end up on 60 Minutes, or if you’re really lucky, Kerri-Anne.
Besides your disarming charm and modest but arresting good looks, you’ll require some fancy vocabulary. Find some really long words that are hard to pronounce. Don’t worry about whether their meanings correspond with your point. No one watching will know the word but they’ll marvel that you do as you effortlessly sprinkle big words throughout your responses. Start with ‘mendacious’.
Hirsi Ali to open “Infidel” theme park
Following on from the astounding success of her autobiography, Infidel,
Ayaan Hirsi Ali has said that she plans to keep promoting her book and
its central message of hatred through book tours, and has also
indicated that an “Infidel” theme park is in the pipeline.
“I’m Muslim but I don’t believe in anything except book sales. I don’t believe in all of the reporters in front of me, I don’t believe in this microphone or the chair I’m sitting on, and I certainly don’t believe in being original,” she told reporters at a Sydney press conference.
In Sydney for this year’s Writer’s Festival, Hirsi Ali emphasised that all who were present must take away one main theme from her interview. “I hate Muslims and Islam. But it’s making me a lot of money and some very cool friends who feature on Fox News a lot, so I figure I’ll keep milking it,” she said.
Muslim group boycotts boycotts
The Regressive Muslim Union (RMU) today called for a boycott on boycotts. Satirical Muslim exclusively interviewed spokesman Tu Koul.
“We basically got sick and tired of Muslims boycotting stuff. One day it’s Israel, the next it’s the United States, then it was Sweden. Now, it’s Rosie O’Donnell. The madness has got to stop.
“You can call for boycotts till the cows come home, but it does not detract from the important issues facing our community. We need more female imams leading mixed congregations; more Muslim soldiers in the US army; more funding from Congress. That kind of thing.”
The employer’s guide to working with Muslims
Have a Muslim in your employ or as your co-worker? Feeling a little frightened? Alone? We at Satirical Muslim understand the situation will be different for various employers and co-workers.
So in order to ease the oft-difficult teething process of bringing a Muslim into your team, Satirical Muslim offers its guide to dealing with Muslims in the workplace for both the Nervous Employer and the Overly-Accommodating Employer.
FOR THE NERVOUS EMPLOYER
The beliefs
Do not quip about your “infidel” status. We get it. Ha ha. You’re an
unbeliever. But your employee works for you, not a renegade militia in
the Afghan mountains. Don’t feel suspicious because of your
differences. It’s dangerously possibly the Muslim man or woman is just
working for you to earn an income to provide for their families — not
unleash jihad on your infidel capitalist system. Put aside your
disappointment and suck it up — and stop calling the terrorism hotline.
Finally, when asking your Muslim employee questions, it’s not a good idea to respond with, “That’s so stupid. Welcome to the 21st century!” Reactions to these kinds of judgments will vary. Although Islam is a religion of peace, the same can’t always be said for Muslims. Just something to bear in mind.
