So you’ve landed yourself a prime movie script. It screams star headliners, it promises lots of action, and it’s contemporary: Muslims are a key element.

There are some vital things all film-makers should know when approaching such a juicy topic as Muslims and the War Against Terror though. In the wrong hands, it could end up clichéd, hammy and a box-office bomb. Of course, the only bombs you want going off are those in your movie, so pay close attention as Satirical Muslim offers a brief rundown of some essentials when making films about or involving Muslims.

Opening credits

There’s nothing more creative than beginning your film with a shot of a mosque against a pale orange sky. The Muslim call to prayer (adhan) must accompany this shot. It’s haunting, and totally sets the mood for the rest of your film. The viewer just knows some American bad asses will be kickin’ some Bin Laden butt. This opening shot will also be perfect for the opening shot of your trailer.

Plot

Don’t worry if the plot is wafer thin, or in fact completely M.I.A. Just look at the Mission: Impossible series. Who cares if the viewer doesn’t know what’s going on? The audience wants action, romance and, most importantly, justice for the freedom-loving, victimised West.

However, some things are not negotiable, so be sure to include the following fundamental elements:

• Lots of complicated language generously littered with incomprehensible American Agency (CIA, FBI, etc) jargon
• Arabs who look and sound Indian
• An American President who is wise, loves his wife, and cares about collateral damage (also a potential name for your movie)
• A US army commander who chews tobaccy and swears a lot
• Muslim Bad Guys
• Veiled women
• Oppressed women
• Oppressed veiled women
• American Agents; this is important. You need at least one American Agent who is male and one who is female. She’ll have to veil when in Arab territory (this will make her look exotic because she’ll be wearing something that appears to have come out of 1001 Arabian Nights. American Agent Man will pretend he doesn’t notice how hot she is and offer lame quips. A lot). Importantly, these American Agents will follow their own rule books if ya know what we mean.

Characterisation

We know. That sounds tricky and layered. You’re not even sure what it is. True, characterisation is where a lot of movies, particularly ones about Muslims, fall down. So we recommend dispensing with this aspect almost entirely and embracing wooden characters. This is where you might allow some cliché in - but in a cool way.

Action sequences

Car chases through the desert sands, American Agent Man knocking over an oppressed veiled woman’s shopping basket as he pursues a Muslim Bad Guy, gun fights, stuff being blown up. Chills down the viewer’s spine. Now imagine all of that with a haunting soundtrack featuring a woman chanting meaningless Arabic-sounding words with occasional drum accompaniment. Are we right or are we right?

Torture

Don’t feel bad about including scenes of torture. Everyone knows it happens! Hell, the US Government practically legalised it. One word: rendition. That’s all we’re gonna say. Just make sure you include some torture in your movie. You want it to be believable in at least some aspects after all.

Romance

Notwithstanding our above notes on characterisation, it’s still a good idea to add some dimension to your characters, especially the bad guys. The Hollywood stars can get past on looks alone. But the baddies need some redeeming moments. Such moments will confound the viewer momentarily — only until you make them hate the baddies again.

But, for example, a Muslim Bad Guy could share a quiet moment with his veiled oppressed wife before he goes off to unleash jihad on the infidel American Agents and subsequently die at their hands.

American Agent Man should also have a romantic interest in his female partner (who must veil), who he so totally didn’t want to be working with initially. Love-hate relationships will never get boring.

Once again, don’t be afraid to experiment here and add some layers (just don’t get too excited). Have the American Agents exchange humanising stories, and give them opportunities to balk and laugh at the Muslims who are totally backward. Allow them to display a level of pity (for example, when walking through the marketplace and seeing veiled women).

Name

The name of your film is uber critical. Go wrong on that front and you’ll have a flop on your hands. Follow the well-trodden route of the sensationalist book. Really, some words never get tired: Veiled, Hidden, Desert, Arabian, Infidel, Terrorist. Note: putting in a colon has serious impact. For example, Terror: Hidden Desert. Keeping it short and sweet can also work wonders: The Attack; The Terrorist; The Infidel; The Agent.

Ending

By the conclusion of your film, your characters will have come to their journey’s end (and for the Muslim Bad Guys, it’s a bloody one that may or may not involve redemption). Something to note is that while the American Agents realise they can blow up stuff better than the Arabs, they don’t share the same willingness to die.

But, of course they must triumph. American Agent Man should perhaps be slightly injured. This can lead to a moment with the camera panning out, where we see him being aided by American Agent Woman (who rips off her veil in a very Scarlett O’Hara moment (it’s symbolic)). Together, following some dry, self-effacing humour, they walk towards an army truck flying the American flag. At this point you move from the haunting music to a kick-ass hip-hop track that screams “In your face, Al-Qaeda!”

Roll credits.

Get your tux ready.

Share This

So you always knew you’d never be the next Brad or Angie, but you’ve always known you’re special and all you needed was the right audience to appreciate your exquisite skill as a speaker and deep thinker. Now is the perfect time to milk the public hysteria.

So are you finding yourself a frequent member of panels or audiences of TV forums? Are you the sound bite guy standing in front of the local mosque on the evening news? This is your time to shine. Satirical Muslim offers its guide to making the most of your media gigs.

1. Buy a good dictionary

Sure, you know your community like the back of your best friend Abdul’s hand, but this isn’t the small time. This is the Big Time! You might end up on 60 Minutes, or if you’re really lucky, Kerri-Anne.

Besides your disarming charm and modest but arresting good looks, you’ll require some fancy vocabulary. Find some really long words that are hard to pronounce. Don’t worry about whether their meanings correspond with your point. No one watching will know the word but they’ll marvel that you do as you effortlessly sprinkle big words throughout your responses. Start with ‘mendacious’.

2. Look spiffy

Make sure you challenge the stereotype. Don’t wear Nike. Wear Adidas or Aasics. They’ll be blown away by the diversity on display. It’s important to show that Muslims make up a diverse community and cannot be defined by simply one fashion label.

In fact, try and talk about your fashion sense if an opportunity presents itself, demonstrating that you’re in tune with Western values. This will lead neatly into a discussion on women and hijab. Even if you’re a man, make sure you find a way to mention this. No media gig is complete without a reference to women and hijab.

3. Le tigre

Practise your facial expressions. This is very important. To prepare, watch Zoolander and study the variety of looks Ben Stiller employs. When you watch the recording back later and see that the camera has zoomed in on you looking thoughtful and serious, you’ll be seriously glad you took the time.

4. Your responses

When asked a question directly, pause a moment, softly chuckle to yourself knowingly, straighten up and answer without further hesitation. See point 1. You might like to throw in some sweeping hand gestures.

Employ definitive and firm phrases: “In reality”, “Realistically speaking”, “In a nutshell”, “Ipso facto”, “When you look at the situation with your eyes open”, etc.

Note also that repetition is the highest form of proof. When in doubt, repeat, repeat, repeat.

5. Be self-assured

At some point, make it clear these media gigs are beneath you. For example, “This is exactly why I usually won’t participate in these forums. I only did this time because I was asked so many times”, and so on and so forth. This demonstrates confidence and reaffirms that you are an Important Person.

6. Be well-read

Or at least appear to be well-read. A quote from Chomsky, Pilger or Fisk is the mother of all proof. If the first quote or reference doesn’t satisfy the interviewer, throw in another one for good measure. If that doesn’t help, talk about the absence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. See point 7 below.

7. Go international

So what if this is about local issues? You’re Muslim and therefore bound to mention all the world’s troubled hot spots. Palestine, Iraq and Iran never get old. This is, for example, your chance to explain why there are People of Middle Eastern Appearance involved in thuggery. It’s because of Palestine and Iraq. You’re not a victim though. You’re just politically astute and sensitive.

8. Zionism

Following on from your discussion of Palestine, insert a reference to Jews and/or Zionism. There is no point that can’t be strengthened by reference to Jews and/or Zionism. Just look at President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In fact, study him and emulate. You can’t place a finite value on such mastery.

9. Find an agent

You might not be paid for some of your appearances, but get on TV enough and you’ll become the archetypal Muslim. Books, documentaries and speaking tours are sure to follow. You’ll need some guidance along the way. Fame can be scary and really change a person.

So, are you ready?

Share This

Following on from the astounding success of her autobiography, Infidel, Ayaan Hirsi Ali has said that she plans to keep promoting her book and its central message of hatred through book tours, and has also indicated that an “Infidel” theme park is in the pipeline.

“I’m Muslim but I don’t believe in anything except book sales. I don’t believe in all of the reporters in front of me, I don’t believe in this microphone or the chair I’m sitting on, and I certainly don’t believe in being original,” she told reporters at a Sydney press conference.

In Sydney for this year’s Writer’s Festival, Hirsi Ali emphasised that all who were present must take away one main theme from her interview. “I hate Muslims and Islam. But it’s making me a lot of money and some very cool friends who feature on Fox News a lot, so I figure I’ll keep milking it,” she said.

Hirsi Ali, who has 24-hour bodyguard protection following a number of death threats for her apostacy, has said that while there are downsides to being wanted by Islamic fundamentalists, the death threats and notoriety have done wonders for her career as a writer and she’s currently in talks with Universal Studios about opening an Infidel theme park in Miami, Florida.

“J.K. Rowling is getting a Harry Potter theme park, so I figure we can do the same with my book since sales are going through the roof. We’ll tie it in with a movie version of the book too,” she said.

Hirsi Ali said it will be a theme park with a difference. “All visitors have a mission to protect me. There’ll be posters of me everywhere and they have to stop the Muslim baddies, even the kids, from defacing the posters. If they fail, they have to read to my book all over again.”

Hirsi Ali also outlined initial ideas for other attractions. “Given that I’m a very bogus asylum seeker, we’re going to feature a game where visitors can apply for Dutch citizenship. The more lies they tell, the better their chances of winning.”

Hirsi Ali explained that the success of the book has opened other doors for her and she foresees an abundance of opportunity for marketing.

“I’m over the moon because just today my agent was telling me that the Infidel merchandise we’ve been designing has been bought by a few stores. So far there’s the Infidel quilt set, as well as the Infidel T-shirts, baseball caps and mugs, and even an electric toothbrush with a scary fundamentalist man at the top so that kids will be scared to not brush their teeth.”

Currently based in Washington DC, after leaving the Netherlands and her cushy position in the right-wing government there, the Somalian refugee is grateful for her success.

“When I’m not conservative-thinktanking, I’m thanking myself for my blessings. I’m so grateful I’m Muslim because look at what I’ve achieved. Who would have thought I would have my own theme park one day?

“No one could have predicted just how much the public want to see other people diss out Muslims. You know, really get in there and say the worst possible things,” she said.

“I’m so glad that my sincerity in speaking my own very personal truth, which is not commercial in the least, has met a ready audience. It’s great to feel loved.”

Share This

Have a Muslim in your employ or as your co-worker? Feeling a little frightened? Alone? We at Satirical Muslim understand the situation will be different for various employers and co-workers.

So in order to ease the oft-difficult teething process of bringing a Muslim into your team, Satirical Muslim offers its guide to dealing with Muslims in the workplace for both the Nervous Employer and the Overly-Accommodating Employer.

FOR THE NERVOUS EMPLOYER

The beliefs

Do not quip about your “infidel” status. We get it. Ha ha. You’re an unbeliever. But your employee works for you, not a renegade militia in the Afghan mountains. Don’t feel suspicious because of your differences. It’s dangerously possibly the Muslim man or woman is just working for you to earn an income to provide for their families — not unleash jihad on your infidel capitalist system. Put aside your disappointment and suck it up — and stop calling the terrorism hotline.

Finally, when asking your Muslim employee questions, it’s not a good idea to respond with, “That’s so stupid. Welcome to the 21st century!” Reactions to these kinds of judgments will vary. Although Islam is a religion of peace, the same can’t always be said for Muslims. Just something to bear in mind.

The halal food

It’s not discrimination to have both halal and non-halal meat available in Australia, so don’t make a fuss when your Muslim employee refuses the ham and cheese sandwich at morning tea. You’ll survive. This isn’t about you. Haven’t you seen Babe, you heartless carnivore?

The dress

Many Muslims adhere to a strict dress code. While many are familiar with the hijab and burqa, not many are aware that Muslim men are obligated to grow a beard. (Note, this means an actual beard, not a funky goatee with fancy designs.)

If a Muslim man in your employ has a moustache or a rat’s tail, find a way to fire him without it looking discriminatory. There’s no excuse for either. Ever.

Don’t be alarmed by a woman’s hijab. As frightening as fabric from Spotlight can be, nothing’s going to happen to you, and research indicates that the hijab-wearer’s brain size does not decrease due to the pressure of the material. This is good news for you when it comes to her work performance!

Asking questions is always a good place to start in finding out more about a person’s modest dress code. Be casual, not cagey.

We advise against the overused “Don’t you get hot in that?” Most likely the wearer is thinking that hell is a whole lot hotter. Also veer away from, “I know many Muslim women choose to wear it but that’s only because they don’t know any better”. You’ve just insulted many members of her family, and inadvertently told her that she and her belief systems are stupid. A no-brainer that that’s not very nice now, is it? (Following on from such a faux pas, you might want to check whether she has any brothers and gauge the level of closeness between them.)

The breaking-the-ice

No, Ahmed in shipping doesn’t “know where Bin Laden is”. Where’d you get your sense of humour — a cornflakes box?

Joking about the world’s most wanted isn’t going to endear your employer to you or your workplace. If it’s meant to ease your heightened and exaggerated sense of fear, maybe try a brain exercise, like throwing a ball, or writing your name out and admiring it. Anything that doesn’t involve you putting your foot in your mouth will do just fine.

The prayers

Muslims pray five times a day. Each prayer only takes about ten to fifteen minutes (including time for ablutions). The ritual won’t disrupt other employees and has nothing to do with Al-Qaeda.

However, if the employee is not back within those fifteen minutes, most likely he or she is off for a ciggie. It may be best to keep tabs on them. Note, however, that on Fridays Muslim men must attend prayer at a nearby mosque or prayer room. This can take up to an hour. Don’t question the time taken there. It will only get messy and you’ll have HREOC on your back quicker than you can say “jihad”.

The washing

Before prayer, it’s necessary to make ablutions (see above). This includes washing the feet. If you walk in to your restroom and see your employee mid-feet-wash in the sink, don’t be afraid. It’s just a foot, and that’s just water cleaning it. There is no anthrax involved in the process.

However, the employee may invoke the oft-used “I wash my feet five times a day so they’re cleaner than your face”. This is lame. Find a way to fire him or her without it looking discriminatory.

THE OVERLY-ACCOMMODATING EMPLOYER

The office Christmas party

Muslims don’t drink alcohol. By all means invite all employees to the Christmas party, but don’t bother being culturally sensitive about it. Muslims shouldn’t be attending it in the first place unless you’re willing to take away the band, the alcohol and segregate the men from the women. You would also need to arrange for halal food, a prayer room and washing facilities, and rename it the ‘Office End-of-Year Gathering’.

You can just have your annual booze-fest without your Muslim employees in attendance and that way everyone’s happy.

The teetotalling and gambling

Don’t feel guilty that your Muslim employee doesn’t fancy the idea of getting smashed off their face at the local pub every Friday after work. There’s no need to move “Friday drinks” to the local coffee shop or include them in the weekly email confirming said booze-up so that he or she doesn’t “feel left out”.

The employee doesn’t feel left out.

Nor do they feel sad when they don’t lose 50 bucks on Melbourne Cup Day in the office sweepstakes.

Pick your battles.

The world

We understand this is new to you. But don’t try to break the ice and show your high tolerance levels by discussing politics and/or religion with your Muslim employee without Muslim supervision — at least not until you’ve ascertained which sect your Muslim employee adheres to, and where exactly their sympathies and focus lie in the war against terror.

For example, is your employee from an area afflicted by the US’ “liberation” policies? Is your employee a traditionalist, modernist, progressive, liberal, modernist-progressive-liberal, moderate or extremist? Sometimes that person doesn’t even know until a smarty pants co-worker challenges their belief system.

If you make the mistake of offending your Muslim employee, assure them you don’t buy Danish anymore and take some annual leave until the incident is forgotten.

Share This

John Howard has come to the defence of longtime friend, broadcaster Alan Jones, following findings by the Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA) that Jones vilified people of Middle Eastern descent in the leadup to the Cronulla riots in 2005.

“I am outraged that anyone would dare accuse Alan Jones of being racist. First, he’s an outstanding broadcaster, so you’re all just haters. Second, if we’re going to get picky, Alan’s prejudiced not racist. There’s a difference. It’s really Muslims he doesn’t like,” said Howard on ABC radio this morning.

“I really should be neutral on things like this, so I won’t comment on ACMA’s sucky decision, except to say, Alan rocks! See you at the beach on Saturday, Al!”

The embattled broadcaster also furiously rejected ACMA’s ruling. “I only abused Middle Eastern scum for about 20 minutes on my show. Did all those people lodging complaints consider that? Besides, all those people throwing bottles at the beach on the day aren’t in my prime demographic. Ipso facto, any remarks I made influenced older people!”

Jones attacked ACMA, arguing all who know him realise that somewhere under the spurious insults there is a heart. “I wouldn’t dream of encouraging or promoting violence. But unfortunately some people do, and so they need a little nudge. I’m in the industry of dream-making. Some people won’t realise their violent, bigoted potential without a bit of a teeny tiny push,” said Jones on his radio show.

Jones read out excerpts by way of demonstrating the lack of malice in his broadcasting. “I regularly opposed violence and brutality. I mean, maybe not against the scum who got bashed on the day of the riots. In general I do though. Some people are just biased against me and my views for a White Australian utopia,” he said.

Jones said he’s disappointed by the misunderstanding. “The problem with these Middle Eastern camel-jockey sand nig…our Lebanese-Australian friends is that they don’t know how to take a joke. My favourite horse is an Arabian stallion and every evening I rest my feet on an Ottoman so I don’t know how anyone can accuse me of being racist.”

Share This

Are you an aspiring writer? Do you want to write a controversial, agonising, heartwrenching bestseller? Are you the next Dan Brown? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, Satirical Muslim has some tips on how to make your dreams become reality.

Muslims are the religious community du jour and now is the best time to cash in on this phenomenon. Sure, the bookstores are very well stocked in books with covers featuring veiled women, but if there’s one thing Dan Brown’s success has shown the world, it’s that people can’t get enough of mediocrity.

If kidnapped children were the flavour of the 1980s and western women enslaved by Arab men who turn into monsters once they return home were the flavour of the 1990s, then honour killings are the leitmotif of the Noughties. Every book must have a beginning, an honour killing, and an end. If you can’t think where to include it, then maybe you are writing the wrong book.

Satirical Muslim offers some ideas on how to write a bestselling tragic story of forbidden love featuring oppressed Muslims.

Theme: Honour killings

Norma Khouri may be a lying, deceitful and disturbed personality – and a lousy writer to boot – but despite being exposed for fabricating her story Forbidden Love, she’s now starring in her own documentary. So don’t let facts and truth stand in your way when penning your tale of illicit love and honour killing. You too should strive for infamy, and who knows? Maybe you can be the next Norma Khouri.

It’s important to ensure your story has a decent amount of villainy and evil. The male protagonists alone will fill this quota. The only good male should be the forbidden love interest, who cannot be Muslim, because otherwise the story won’t make sense. Also, your struggling heroine must have a reason to believe in love and to see that not all men are bad – just the Muslim ones. Make her unemployed, poor, uneducated, and if you really want to make it interesting, deaf or dumb. This injects a wonderful amount of pathos.

It’s a good idea to familiarise yourself with the country you’re setting your story in. Don’t do what Khouri did and imagine the places and people because otherwise a nosy journalist will cotton on, and your career will be over quicker than you can say “recalled”.

Just take a short vacation to your location. When you think about the money you’ll make from book sales and appearances, it’s a small investment.

If you really can’t afford to travel, there’s still hope. You don’t need to go to Amman or Riyadh to find abusive Arab males. You can find them right there in your imagination. If you need inspiration, catch a taxi or take a walk to your local convenience store. Take down the names of the swarthy males you see. They might not be wife beaters or woman haters, but you’re entitled to exercise artistic liberty.

What matters isn’t where you start but where you end up and, if you work at it, you could even end up scarred and, preferably, subjected to some sort of culturally insensitive abuse, in which case you will be better off writing an autobiography (see “The autobiography” below).

The autobiography

While autobiographies should be based on reality, fortunately the Muslim oppression genre allows for a more elastic interpretation of the bio.

Find a Western author (male or female, both have benefits). Tell your story truthfully to your ghost writer, leaving out the more positive moments and role models, and leave the rest up to him or her. The writer will weave his or her magic and before you know it, you’re a princess married into an even wealthier and more powerful family than your own.

Once again, it kind of steps on the story if you have too many good Muslim men in it. Make one good, but then he turns evil. You want it to be believable and to cater to existing ideas. This isn’t Chomsky, so don’t make things difficult for the demographic reading your tale of despair. Also, don’t try and invoke genuine Islamic provisions and ideas. This will only confuse and burden your reader with “the other side of the story”. Keep it simple.

Try and search for the worst moments in your life, even if they were simply normal events in youth. Awkward adolescent phases, everyone knows, are always worse for young Arab Muslims growing up in the sweltering heat of the Arabian desert.

This format is great for women (particularly non Muslim ones) who have been married to real bad Muslim men, especially if you were forced to leave your home for his and/or your child has been kidnapped by the father. These stories translate very well to visual media; if it’s not a big screen hit, HBO will probably pick it up and you’ll be at the Emmys before you can spit.

The self-serving journal

Lots of Western women do the next best thing to writing a fictitious account of forbidden love. They travel around the Muslim world and write about it, because they are very important and what they think is inspiring, moving and extremely formative.

Don’t worry too much about having connections there. Do what they all do: get there and find the first “normal” woman you can, interview her, crap on her existence and with furrowed brow and sighs explain why you’re glad you’re not her. Find an exceptional self-hater to be your ally; this makes the reader realise you’re not being prejudiced because even people there agree with you. Remember: these women living backward existences don’t know any better and if they realised they could have what you have, they would never want to dress modestly or be guided by religious principles.

This book is really about you and how great you are. You won’t even need to invent bad guys because you will find them everywhere: think of it as the domino effect. If you can find one sleazy male, he’ll lead you to the mother ship. Can you appreciate how easy it will be?

Try and find a controversial topic that readers will sympathise with. For example, the plight of belly dancers struggling for recognition in Ikhwani-plagued Egypt. Take lessons and protest. Or you can go to Jordan and have coffee out in the open with a man and defy anyone to say or do anything. You will be a hit.

Pure fiction

If you’re a novice, taking the fiction category route is probably the wisest decision. Sure, all other stories will have some flowery embellishment, but this way you can avoid nasty legal suits and having to explain yourself on current affairs programs.

The other good thing is that if you have one hit with fiction, you’ll seal a sweet book deal, which is harder with stories attempting to evoke reality.

Once again, you can’t go wrong with interreligious forbidden love, and if you know your region, add some provincial conflict; nothing says despair like warring villagers. Even better, if you’re willing to do some political research, have a conflict zone as the backdrop, such as Palestine or Chechnya.

Note: a controlling, hypocritical older brother is essential; your story will be a mess without one. But you can also have more than one good male character (he can even be Muslim) in this kind of story, because everyone knows it’s fiction. Since your heroine will be unemployed and unsocial, she’s unlikely to have any humorous friends to balance out the pathos. Nevermind – just give her an optimistic and simple sister.

If you’re short on ideas, read. There’s no better template than that which has been written before you.

The look

The cover can make or break your success as a burgeoning force to be reckoned with in the Muslim oppression genre. Graphics, title and font are all significant.

For the picture, some authors use the familiar camel, while others use evocative desert sands. Don’t use either. Nothing says you are serious and authentic like a veiled woman. Preferably completely veiled with only her frightened, beautiful eyes (go heavy on the kohl eyeliner) peering out, beseeching you to help her by forking out $32.95 for the book.

Keep titles simple and to the point. Don’t fear formulaic; it’s tried and true. Start with a word such as ‘forbidden’, ‘hidden’, ‘caged’, ‘veiled’ or ‘Arabian’ and follow with a word such as ‘love’, ‘lust’, ‘passion’ or ‘princess’. For example, Forbidden Princess, Hidden Lust, Caged Love, Veiled Passion, and so on. As you can see, all work well and guarantee you won’t lose the attention of the average Oprah viewer.

Finally, do not adopt Western fonts. Flowing, Arabic-looking scripts will accentuate the theme and message of your book. It looks exotic and screams danger, intrigue and honour killings, as well as displaying a healthy respect for Arab culture.

Share This

While door knock appeals are typically recognised as charity drives undertaken by the Salvation Army, there is the lesser-known, but actually more popular, Muslim version. If you’re a single Muslim woman, it’s likely you’re receiving these visits from interested suitors, or if you’re very lucky, his mum and sister.

Satirical Muslim offers some advice in assessing prospects.

Imports

There are some golden rules to be observed when a door knock appeal is being undertaken by an import, particularly if he is a FOB (fresh off the boat). His connections cannot be dubious, he has to have a valid visa (don’t fall for the student visa line – they’re easily revoked), and genuine career prospects.

Should he enter your home wearing a leather jacket circa 1983, a moustache circa anytime and shoes that have tassels, run. Do not stop to serve coffee.

Home-grown

The prospect looks good on paper because he was born in the same country as you. How different can he be? You’ll totally “get” each other. But this is no time for complacency.

The mark may initiate general conversation with you. Take note of accent, inflection and vocabulary. If the words “cop it”, “omagawd” or “sick” pass his lips, and his voice raises a few pitches at the end of each sentence, it may be better not to prolong the evening. Quietly excuse yourself and retire to your bedroom to watch The West Wing.

What to serve

Begin with cold beverages. These are always popular and don’t scream desperation. Casual, chic. You own the room.

If things are going well (and if the mother likes you, things are going well), move on to a light snack. This will most likely be something simple such as mixed nuts (make sure no one’s allergic). Some fruit could also be offered. Anything more and your message of basic interest is translated into raging affection. This is bad. And HARAM.

Finish off the evening with tea, coffee and something sweet. This is a good way to engage in more conversation by asking how he likes his tea or coffee and gauge the sweet tooth factor. If you made the tea and coffee yourself, make sure this is made clear to the mark and his mother. Unless it tastes like crap.

Do not spill the coffee or tea. You are not a cute, Bridget Jones-type of character who will endear the mark and his family with such negligence.

How to behave

It’s extremely important that you do not exhibit an abundance of personality in the first meeting. The word feminism should also be vigorously avoided. Adding “Islamic” to it doesn’t help. This is no time for gender issues.

Smiles are acceptable if they are directed to no one in particular. Do not laugh out loud; a slight giggle will suffice if someone says something funny.

Lower your gaze, except when you’re serving the drinks. (See above with respect to the perils of spilling).

It’s a bad idea to ask too many questions, especially when they’re not directed to the mark himself. This makes it seem like you care about what kind of family you would be marrying into. This is about him, not you.

Permissible conversation starters

Choose safe topics.

If you’re going to mention politics, make sure it’s not controversial, particularly if the visitors originate from another country, province, village or street. Palestine is always a good choice.

Find a way to sell your culinary skills in conversation. Perhaps begin with, “The other day, after I vacuumed and did the washing, I made [insert national dish].” Note, make sure you choose a dish that matters to them culturally. If they’re Lebanese, advocate harissa; Egyptian, basboosa; Jordanian, mansaf; and so on and so forth.

Making the grade

If the mark likes you, or his mum tells him he does, your parents will receive a phone call the very next day.

Any later than this and you have the right to be slightly suspicious as to his motives. Delays due to unforeseen circumstances are understandable and forgivable, except with potential visa-snatchers who shouldn’t be so fussy.

If the call doesn’t come, do not despair. Consider that perhaps there’s more electricity in a burnt out lightbulb than what you shared over mixed nuts. You didn’t like him anyway.

Share This

In an effort to heal his and others’ heart wounds and reassure Jews that he’s not a bigot, Mel Gibson is set to direct a blockbuster film on Muslims after Apocalytpo hits screens, according to Hollywood bible Variety magazine.

“I’ve covered Jews with Passion, the Scottish with Braveheart, the Mayans with Apocalypto, and now I want to show the real Muslim. So we’re going to Hollywood’s primary authority in this area: Reel Bad Arabs, by Jack G Shaheen,” the Oscar-winning director said.

“Everyone knows Arab equals Muslim, so we’re planning a concentrated negative portrayal of Muslims. You see your ragheads and camel jockeys, but has anyone really put it all together? Exactly.”

Shaheen’s book considers the history of Arab-related representation on the silver screen, revealing a deep bias against Arabs and Muslims, which Gibson says isn’t given enough coverage and consideration and has led him to “embrace that representation in order to provoke dialogue and confront pejorative imagery”.

“This will be a film about films. We’re going to stereotype in order to compound the stereotype. For too long Jews have been blamed for everything. I even blamed them for all the wars. What I had meant to say was that Arabs — meaning Muslims — are responsible. My bad.”

Gibson, whose films tend to be violent and gory, is renowned for his methodical and careful approach to film-making and he said the film will have its fair share of blood and war.

Already undertaking research, he has enlisted the help of several consultants. “We went to Iraq and arranged for some of the guards who hung Saddam to come over. I think they will provide extremely valuable insight,” the actor and director confirmed.

Gibson said he wants to make it easier for people to recognise the different kinds of Muslim. “We’ll give you a runaway girl pursuing forbidden love with a US soldier, an abusive older brother, and of course, we’re going to devote a large chunk of the storyline to terrorists. At no extra charge! Ha ha. Just kidding — about the extra charge, not the terrorists. Anyway, think Braveheart meets Lethal Weapon. Lots of horses and cool clothing.”

Gibson read Shaheen’s book following his arrest last year, and was inspired by the bigotry of Hollywood film-making. He admitted he’s hoping the film will revive his ailing career which went downhill following his anti-Semitic outburst, and he intends to play one of the main characters. “I’m already practising my Arab accent. That means no letter ‘p’! I’m even getting into the costumes. I’m definitely going for the Arafat look.”

Gibson conceptualises “a colourful, sweet bouquet of bigotry”, but denies that his interpretation of Arabs in film will broaden existing fallacies. “We’re going to do some good. For example, people say Muslim women are all the same. Not so. There are different shades of oppression. There’s the really bad kind, and then there’s the oppression where the women aren’t as oppressed as the ones who cover their faces.”

Gibson is optimistic about the film’s potential and says it bodes well for his future in film-making. “Sure, I made some mistakes. But I’ve learnt my lesson about talking against the Jews. These guys control Hollywood so how bad can they be?”

Filming will begin in Los Angeles later this year.

Share This

A local Muslim leader is running courses in social interaction for young Muslims, stressing the importance of marriage and other “things” related to marriage. The unique course, entitled “Marriage! And other social ideas”, caters to Muslim youth aged between 10 and 14 and takes the format of a two-day workshop.

“I cannot emphasise how important marriage is. I tell my kids, if they don’t get married, they could die. I put on a scary face when I say this for added effect. Young Muslims don’t think about marriage enough, I feel,” said the course inventor, Habeeb Habeeb. “You really need to get in early. I wanted to aim for 6 to 8-year-olds, but there were complications relating to permission.”

Habeeb’s course deals with etiquette, how not to greet someone of the opposite sex, gaze-lowering exercises and the ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’ of internet interaction. The course also runs according to Habeeb’s self-penned “motto”: Get married.

“A lot of people think that the internets is so different to real life, but this is wrong. I met my wife on the internets and it was love at first byte. So you see, the internets is also very dangerous. I had to lower my gaze before proposing. It made typing a bit hard, but we didn’t want to break any rules,” Habeeb said.

“But I tell my kids that they can say salam and talk about the different schools of thought, for example. But we draw the line at smilies. None of that is allowed. Just because I did it, doesn’t make it right. The internets is evil. I tell them this. But we still teach them the MSN etiquette because if they’re going to do it, it should at least be done properly.”

Habeeb said the MSN session involves exercises on proper conversation. “The kids get an electric jolt if they type something inappropriate. And we also monitor same sex discussions as we don’t want to teach the gays. I had to expel one child for winking on MSN at another boy.”

Habeeb said he is surprised by the amount of enthusiasm his students already show for marriage, saying it makes his job that much easier. “A lot of them are already interested in their big day. Some boys tell me their mums are already on the lookout, and some of the girls and boys were secretly exchanging MSN contact details. They think I am stupid, but I saw it,” the self-dubbed “Deepak Chopra of Muslim marriage” said.

“But this is good as it gets dialogue going, and this leads to interest, which leads inevitably to marriage. Everyone knows Muslims don’t date!”

Thus far the feedback has been excellent, Habeeb said, and he plans to continue running the courses next year, refining certain aspects. “I will keep the basics in there, especially the bumper stickers I give the students at the end of the course which say ‘Honk if you want to get married’. I made that up myself. I think it’s very clever.”

Habeeb is excited about the possibilities, pointing out that it’s an original idea and there is nothing else catering to Muslim youth’s social needs in a workshop format.

“Too many people think Muslims are uptight and unable to interact socially. They’re quite right. Otherwise I would be out of a job. In any case, if only half the class walk out realising the importance of getting married, then I have succeeded. The other half can’t escape, because family will get to them.”

Share This

Hollywood super couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have announced they intend to adopt a child from India confirming widely held suspicions that they are attempting to win a world record for child collecting.”Some people donate stamps or butterflies, but we collect orphans. We have a special temperature-controlled complex at home where we store them, ” Pitt said. “We come to the third world because you can really snap up some bargains and some exotic breeds that you just can’t in American trailer parks or crack dens.”

“And we hope we can influence other rich and famous people: anyone can buy a ribbon but if you are a serious moral poseur you need to wear an orphan.”

But a source close to the stars showed the mounting concern surrounding the couple’s recent actions. “When George W Bush presented his administration’s policy of ‘No child left behind’, no one thought that Brad and Angie would take it literally.”

“This time we are looking for a pair of orphans, preferably twins, because it’s very hard to find spare parts for Indians in the United States,” Jolie said. She was seen earlier holding up swatches against each orphan. “We’re in the process of redecorating at home and so we really want one that will match our new carpet.”

Currently filming A Mighty Heart, which is based on the book by wife of slain journalist Daniel Pearl, in Mumbai, the temptress stars as Pearl’s wife, while Pitt is producing in between PR building stints.

However, the stars have ruffled more than a few feathers during their stay, with Jolie fighting off accusations that her recent use of a private Islamic school as a set for the film was an orphan shopping expedition.

“I’m just looking,” the lippy star was overheard saying. “Look at all these kids wanting to come to America with me. I feel like candy in a kids’ store.”

But things turned ugly when one of Jolie’s bodyguards accidently knocked over an orphan, breaking his arm. “You break, you buy,” said an angry headmaster who insisted Jolie purchase the orphan for the sum of USD$20,000. “We are a proud people. You can’t just come here and hurt our children and not pay for it.”

This followed an earlier tense episode when one of the bodyguards was found gift wrapping a small child in cellophane. “This is a peace offering for Madonna,” said Jolie. “When it comes to friends, I’m an Indian giver.”

The couple seem unable to stay away from controversy, having recently promised not to marry until gay couples are allowed the same honour in the US.The stars also confirmed they are in the process of adopting Pitt’s ex-wife Jennifer Aniston and her boyfriend Vince Vaughan now that their main goal is to help those less fortunate than themselves.

Share This